A Matter of Honor
by Amy McWilliams (McAmy)

Book 3: Love and Honor

Chapter 23: Confessions

It was well after two o'clock by the time they reached Snape's quarters. Regardless, Severus wanted to take a shower. Gods, how he hated Dementors. He could still feel their…presence…on his skin. As he headed to the bathroom, Hermione slipped through the fireplace to change for bed and retrieve Crookshanks. She needed everybody in one place, and though she knew Severus would sleep in her rooms if she asked, she wanted to be here. His rooms, his things, his bed. Safe.

Though her cat had never visited the dungeons before, he settled quietly against Hermione as she curled up on her side of the bed. Exhausted, she quickly fell asleep to the sounds of his purr and the water running in the other room.

Severus smiled at the sight when he slipped into bed a few minutes later, and Crookshanks blinked at him, lifting his nose in greeting. But as the man closed his eyes, the sleeping woman scooted closer--and the cat was forced to leap nimbly to the edge of the bed to avoid being smushed. He dropped silently to the floor, where he began a careful inspection of the room.

Sometime before dawn, Hermione stirred, jerking out of sleep before taking a deep breath and laying her head back down.

"All right?" His voice was sleepy, but concerned.

"Yes. I'm sorry I woke you."

"Bad dream?"

"Not too. Dementors."

"Mmm." He shifted closer, putting his arm across her.

After a moment, she said, "When I was little, my mother would always tell me to think of something happy. She said that would help me get back to sleep and keep me from dreaming the bad dream again."

"Your mother is a wise woman."

"I always thought about the Walt Disney World parade. We went when I was four or five. For some reason my happy thought was always Mickey and the others in their marching band."

"It sounds dreadful."

She smiled in the darkness. After another brief silence, she added, "I thought of you."

"In the marching band?"

"No, silly." She laughed softly. "Tonight. With the Dementors. I…was never good at making a Patronus…before…."

He was quiet, and she thought perhaps he'd gone back to sleep. But as her eyes fell shut, he spoke softly.

"I thought of the night…I thought I'd lost you, driven you away. But there you were in the doorway…and then you kissed me…"

As they drifted back to sleep, Crookshanks jumped up on the end of the bed. After slowly stalking his way along the edge, he curled up by Severus's pillow, tucked his nose in his tail, and closed his eyes with a contented sigh.

When Hermione awoke, Crookshanks was still in his place by the pillow, but Severus was gone. "Probably checking on Draco," she said to Crookshanks, who promptly rose to begin his morning stretches on Severus's side of the bed. Hermione scratched his head and he flopped to one side and began lolling around on his back. Taking the not-so-subtle hint, Hermione rubbed his tummy.

She decided on breakfast in the Great Hall, because she knew that the others would be glad to see her, given their worried looks last night at dinner. She also wanted to see Remus, if he was there. She hadn't had a chance to thank him.

News that Draco Malfoy was in the hospital wing had spread quickly, and the faculty seemed to know at least the basic facts about the previous night's adventures. McGonagall smiled at her as she took her seat, and Flitwick couldn't wait to ask, "So, was my Veiling Charm a help?"

"It was, and thank you so much for teaching it to us," Hermione answered. "Though it turns out I could have used a little practice on my Patronus. Or a few more of you along to help."

Madam Hooch interjected, "Yes, we heard the Dementors showed up. Good thing you had some Ministry backup. Though I also heard that you handled yourself quite well."

Hermione glanced over at Remus, who smiled as he buttered his toast.

"Well, I still wouldn't have minded having a few more of you around," Hermione demurred. "But yes, Professor Flitwick, your charm worked perfectly. I had no trouble at all maintaining it, even when I was concentrating on casting my Patronus."

That took the focus off of her accomplishments satisfactorily, as Flitwick had an endless string of questions about using the Veiling Charm under pressure, with other spells, etc.

After breakfast, she walked with Remus towards his office. "I wanted to say thank you. I didn't get a chance last night."

He shrugged. "Happy to be of service. And I'm glad it turned out so well."

He seemed distracted. "Is everything all right?"

Remus smiled. "Oh, yes, of course. I'm sorry; I am a bit…I don't know what, this morning. Perhaps I didn't eat enough chocolate last night. I did get fairly close to one of those Dementors."

She let it go, though she wasn't convinced. "Well, I've got to find a way to pass the time until I hear something from Severus--he's in the hospital wing with Draco." She raised a teasing eyebrow. "If you ply me with some hot chocolate, I'd consider waiting a while with you."

His face softened now, as it hadn't on his previous smile. "It would be my pleasure. I've been anxious to hear an update on Draco as well. What do you think he'll do now?"

Hermione shook her head. "I have no idea."

Snape had come to the hospital wing just before seven o'clock, when he received a note from Madam Pomfrey saying that Draco was awake. The boy--he couldn't help thinking of Draco as a boy--was asleep again by the time Snape had arrived, but Poppy noted that it was a natural sleep this time, and that the medications had worn off.

Draco Malfoy would be fine. But when he woke up, he would have a major decision to make.

Snape waited, sitting in a chair near the door. Dumbledore had come to check on them, and shared a small breakfast with Severus. The Headmaster was prepared to make Draco an offer--an offer both men found very familiar. If Draco helped them find his father, assisted in putting Lucius Malfoy safely in Azkaban, Dumbledore would make sure that he remained free. Otherwise, Draco Malfoy would go to Azkaban himself.

The bargain was more than fair. It was, Snape thought, just as generous and merciful as the offer Albus had made him, so many years ago. And just as awful. But even though Draco would not face years of spying as he had, Severus intended to make certain the boy knew the repercussions of his decision. Turning on one's own father couldn't be easy--not even for Draco Malfoy.

And sometimes paying for your crimes in a straightforward manner was the easier route.

The pale figure in the last bed on the right stirred, and Poppy Pomfrey came immediately into the room. Snape had always wondered if she had some unseen means of monitoring her patients, or whether this "sixth sense" was some personal magic of hers.

He sat quietly while she clucked and tutted over Draco. When she was done, she fixed Snape with a matronly gaze. "Don't upset him, Professor. He still needs his rest. But you can see him now."

Snape rose without a response. As she left, Poppy added, "Please help him, Severus."

He quietly took the seat next to Draco's bed. The boy was staring at the wall, and Snape wasn't sure whether or not to wait for him to speak. He decided that, once again, the familiar approach might be best.

"Madam Pomfrey tells me that you will recover. I'm glad to hear it. Especially since your…escapade last night could have turned into something much worse." His professorial tone was not as harsh as it could be, but still Draco flinched.

"I didn't know…" a brief pause, one that anyone else would not have noticed, "that the Dementors would be there. I thought that my father and I had come to an…understanding."

"No," Snape noted without emotion, "I did not imagine that you did. And you would not have reacted so violently if you had been expecting them."

"I thought…" Draco's eyes sought Snape's, and his expression was that of the insecure, blond-headed child Snape had welcomed into his house almost ten years ago. "For a second I thought that…"

"You though that I had brought them? As I told you last night, I was not there to capture you."

"I…I know." Draco's eyes dropped to the coverlet. "My father sent them."

"Yes he did." Snape waited for Draco to continue. He would not relay Dumbledore's offer until the boy had said everything he needed to say.

Draco sighed. "He used me. I mean, I knew he was using me, but I thought I could use him as well. I thought…I thought…maybe I could…prove that I was better than that. That he could really trust me. And when I realized that he would never…" He angrily brushed away the tear that threatened to fall. "I asked you to meet me because I wanted to see for myself. My father told me that you were out to hurt both of us, that you wanted revenge. I…I wasn't sure, but then when your partner killed that other guy, I…"

"Draco, I do not want revenge against you. Your father has hurt you as he has hurt so many others. And that is his worst crime, because you are his son, and you--you of all people--deserved much better at his hands."

"My mother deserved better." Draco spat out the words.

Narcissa Malfoy had been taken into custody after Voldemort's death, when the Ministry rounded up as many of the known Death Eaters as they could find. She had been in Azkaban ever since, and Draco had not been allowed to visit because his own loyalties were suspect. Snape knew that Lucius had never attempted to see her, or to free her.

"Yes, she did," he agreed. After a pause, he took a deep breath and added, "I cannot help your mother, Draco. But I can help you, if you will let me."

The boy's eyes met his. "What do you mean?"

"You have a decision to make. And there are several options before you. One, you can leave here to go back into hiding, either on your own, or with your father. If you choose to leave, I will not stop you. And I will not follow. But when I finally track down Lucius Malfoy--and I will track him down--if I find you at his side I will deal with you as I would deal with anyone else who would support him."

Draco swallowed. "Or?"

"Two, Albus Dumbledore is willing to offer you a bargain. In exchange for your help in stopping your father, he will promise to keep you out of Azkaban. It is a promise that he knows he can keep. If you do not agree, he will turn you over to the Ministry. If that happens, I promise that I will tell them everything I know, and that I will do my best to make sure that your sentence is not out of proportion with your crimes."

He could see the boy putting the pieces together. Snape's first option would mean that he was going against Dumbledore's wishes. He hoped that the boy would believe he wanted to help.

Before Draco could speak again, Snape added, "And three, you can choose to turn yourself in."

Draco jerked upright in the bed. "What? Why would I…?"

"I know. The choice holds no appeal. At least, it does not seem to." For the first time, his gaze left the boy's face. "As you well know, I was offered a similar bargain. I wasn't brave enough to refuse it. I have…done some good, I know, because of my choice. And I have been able to live my life, for the most part--to do my work, to…" he was going to say he had been able to find friends, to find love, but that was too personal. He settled for, "to have a second chance."

His eyes sought Draco's again. "But you should know that I have also had to deal with more guilt, more regret than I might have had otherwise. That despite my attempts to…counterbalance…" the word "atone" would not come to his lips, "my crimes, I am still reviled, held at arm's length. I am tolerated, but not respected. And if that respect ever comes, it will be offered only grudgingly."

He sighed. "Draco, my temperament is such that remaining separate and apart has not been a burden to me. The Ministry's opinion of me is irksome, but does no lasting harm. I have recently begun to find some measure of peace. But you should consider your choices carefully."

He rose to leave, and Draco said, "So you think I should go to Azkaban? That I should turn myself in, let Dumbledore call the Aurors?"

Snape looked at him for a long moment, and Draco turned away.

"I cannot tell you what you should do. I can only help you to look at the consequences for each option. The choice is up to you. But Draco," at his tone, the boy looked up at him again, "I will say this. I have only ever wanted you to find your own way. I have only ever wanted you to be safe."

Hermione's quill stopped mid-word at the sound of a knock at her office door.

"Come in?"

As tired as he looked, she couldn't help but smile at the sight of him.

"I saw Lupin in the hallway; he said you were here," Severus explained. "If I'm interrupting…"

"Nonsense," she said, and pointed to the comfortable chair by the fire. "Sit down; you look exhausted. Or we can go somewhere else, if you like?"

"No, this is fine. I just…this is better."

He sat in silence, while she returned to her grading. After a few moments, he said, "Draco is considering his options."

"I'm sorry. I know this has been hard."

"Thank you."

Once Hermione had gone, Remus headed for Hogsmeade. Harry was staying at Sirius's for the day; he had said something about talking to Snape and waiting for the news on Draco. Harry would be a nice distraction. And even though his relationship with Sirius had been strained lately, Remus needed his best friend.

"So, have I missed lunch?" he called, as he entered the cottage.

"Remus! I didn't expect you. But no, you haven't missed lunch. Harry should be back in a bit; he stopped in at Dervish and Banges for a couple of things while he was here."

Sirius's welcome was genuine, but he was also taking the opportunity to watch Remus. Since his arrival on the scene the night before, Lupin had seemed to be…agitated about something. There were two choices. Either Remus was still angry with him about attacking Snape, and his actions last night had made that worse, or…

"Remus, is something bothering you?"

"What? No. I'm ok. It's just…the Dementors."

"Mmm. This is me. I know better. Now, either you're pissed at me for all the usual reasons, or this is about…"

"Sirius, drop it."

"Drop what?" Harry asked from the front door. "Is something wrong?"

Remus and Sirius glared at each other.

"Should I go away and come back later? Or are you going to tell me what's going on?" Harry had seen these two friends square off before, and it never amounted to anything. Just nonsense they had to apologize for later.

"Remus is upset about last night."

"I am not! Sirius, let it go. I'm warning…"

"He can't get over seeing Hermione in danger…"

"Sirius! Dammit, you promised…"

"Because he's in love with her!"

Sirius's voice rebounded against the close cottage walls. Remus fell immediately silent, and sunk into a chair, his head in his hands. Harry didn't know what to say.

Sirius spoke first. "You can't keep this bottled up, Remus. You can't pretend like it isn't there. It's tearing you up inside."

"I asked you not to tell anyone. You promised. And this is my problem. I can deal with it any way I want."

"But you're not dealing with it. I see you watching her, see the look in your eyes when she takes Snape's arm, when she smiles up at him. You can't help yourself. You are fixated on a girl who doesn't love you."

Remus lifted his head and glared at his friend. "And so what? Is telling the world about it going to change that fact? Is wallowing in it going to make me feel any better?"

Harry closed the door softly and set his bag on the sofa. "I'm sorry, Remus. I didn't know."

"It's all right. But…" he turned to Harry, a pleading look on his face, "please don't tell her."

"She doesn't know? She doesn't…I don't know, suspect?"

"I told her once that I had…been attracted to her. I was trying to explain why I had warned her away from Snape, back at the first of the year. I was afraid he'd break her heart, that she'd be hurt. Then it turned out he…loved her. They got together. I wanted to explain, to tell her that I was happy for her, to tell her that…" A sigh. "Her response told me what I needed to know. She had never thought of me that way."

"Remus, you can't…" Sirius began.

"No. Sirius, I know you. You would go barreling in there three times a day to tell her that you loved her and that she deserved better than Severus Snape. You wouldn't stop fighting. But that's not me. I can't…I cannot make her uncomfortable again, even for a moment."

"Then stay away from her," Sirius insisted. "Why put yourself through the ringer like this? Why volunteer yourself for every experiment, every dangerous mission? And why the hell should you spend your birthday with her, in the company of the man she loves instead of you?!"

Remus's voice was cold. "Because they were acting like better friends to me at that time than you were."

Harry interrupted before Sirius could reply. "He's right, you know." Not knowing which "he" Harry meant, both of them turned to look at him. "Remus is right. He can't handle this the way you want him to, Sirius. You have to let him do it his way. He's the one that has to live with it. But Remus, you can't pretend like this isn't going on. I won't say anything. Ever. But if you need somebody to talk to…"

"Thanks, Harry. Now, can we all just sit down and have lunch, please?"

Harry smiled his encouragement, and turned to hang up his cloak and remove his boots. Sirius placed his hand on the top of Remus's head and stared into his friend's eyes for a long moment. Then, mussing his hair a little, said, "Comin' right up," and headed into the kitchen.

Harry had a stop to make before he left for London. Snape wasn't in the hospital wing or the dungeons, so he tried Hermione's office before locating her in her rooms in Gryffindor Tower.

"Harry, hi! Come on in. Severus is here, but…"

"Actually, I wanted to speak to him, if that's ok."

"Of course, Mr. Potter." Snape's voice resonated down the entryway, and for a moment, Harry was back in Potions class.

"You can stay, Hermione," Harry noted as his friend headed for the bedroom. He took the chair opposite Snape, while Hermione pulled up the chair from the desk to sit beside Harry.

"Professor Snape, I wanted to apologize for our taking action on our own last night. When the information came in, you were already on your way to meet Draco, but I couldn't let Hermione--or any of you--walk into something you might not be prepared for."

"Mr. Potter, I can assure you that three Hogwarts professors are quite capable of defending themselves against a group of Dementors." Harry bristled. "However…your help is appreciated. We would have been forced to let most of the Dementors go free, if you hadn't arrived. And while I might wish that you had not brought complete strangers along, I know enough of how the Ministry works to assume that you had very little say in the matter."

Harry decided to take the olive branch, hidden as it was by the thorns. "No, I didn't. But they did want to send four complete strangers, and I talked them down to two."

Snape chuckled. Harry couldn't believe it. Snape actually chuckled. "Well then," Snape said, "I see that Harry Potter is a force to be reckoned with after all. It's a good thing that we're on the same side."

Before Harry could respond, Snape rose. "Now I have to go; I have to meet with the Headmaster about Mr. Malfoy. So I'll leave you two to catch up."

He held out his hand. "Mr. Potter, thank you again." Harry took it, and the two shook hands.

Hermione went with Snape to the door, and Harry saw them kiss before she returned to take the chair Snape had vacated.

"I can't believe it," Harry said.

"Don't worry," Hermione teased. "It's not like he likes you, or anything."

"I hope not. This was weird enough."

Dumbledore had been waiting for Snape in the hall outside his office. Draco Malfoy had made his decision, and wanted to see them both.

As they made their way back to the hospital wing, Severus thought that he would like to have Hermione there with him. He was worried about Draco; he wondered if he should have said anything, if he would be to blame if the boy wound up in Azkaban.

Madam Pomfrey met them at the door. "I'll stay out of the way, but please don't do anything to over-excite him," she instructed.

"It will be all right, Poppy," Dumbledore reassured her.

Draco's eyes followed them as they made their way into the room. Dumbledore took the chair, and Snape stood behind. "You wanted to see us, Mr. Malfoy?" The Headmaster's tone was gentle; he too saw the young boy in the eyes of the young man.

"I've made up my mind, Sir," Draco stated simply. Snape could see he was afraid.

"Are you certain that you've given your decision enough thought?" Dumbledore asked. "This is not something to be decided lightly. And you have recently been unconscious."

"No, Sir, I'm sure. I've made up my mind."

"Well then, let us hear what you have decided."

Draco's chin rose a fraction. "I will tell you everything I know about my father." Snape felt Dumbledore relax, but he waited…

Draco's eyes fixed on Snape. "But after I do, I'm going to turn myself in. I'm going to Azkaban." Snape read the anger there, the rebellion. He knew the Headmaster would choose not to see it.

Dumbledore sighed. "It is an honorable choice, Mr. Malfoy. And I will respect your wishes. We will do whatever we can to ensure you are well cared for, and that your trial is a fair one."

"I know."

"Well then. You will sleep here tonight, and tomorrow we will talk about your father." He rose to leave, as student and teacher regarded one another.

When he was gone, Snape began, "Draco…"

"No. It's all right. It's…it's the right thing to do."

Snape nodded, and turned to follow the Headmaster.

"Professor Snape?"

"Yes?"

"I think you did the right thing, too."

A/N: I just want to send a smile out to Lara, whose explanation for the source of Snape's Patronus was so very much more enjoyable than mine. (Hint: see Valentine lemon...) ;)

On to Chapter 24