A Matter of Honor
by Amy McWilliams (McAmy)

Book 2: Honor Bound

Chapter 5: Summer Break

Hermione was staying at Mywoods over the summer. She wanted to finish her required coursework so as to leave room for other things in her second year, and to keep working on the Cruciatus curse. Ron and Harry were both in training, and though they wanted to try to find time for a visit, it looked like it was going to be impossible for all of them to be in the same place at the same time.

Meanwhile, Professor McGonagall had invited her to stay for a week at Hogwarts. Hermione was both excited and nervous. She longed to see all of her old professors, but Hogwarts wouldn't be the same. So much had happened…

She wiped away her momentary sadness with thoughts of treacle fudge at Hagrid's, tea with Minerva (she had almost gotten used to calling her Head of House by her first name), chocolate by the fire with Remus, and…Snape. A lot had happened there, too--the time apart, his work…. She hadn't seen him for a year--longer by the time she would arrive later that summer. While they had exchanged letters regularly, there hadn't been any further mention about working together, and the notes remained solely about business--except for the one he'd sent after the funeral, and she hadn't responded in kind, mostly because she didn't know what to say. He seemed a figment of her imagination, an image, an impression flitting through her memory. She wondered how different the real Snape was from the one she so often imagined. But she wanted to see him, whether things had changed or not.

She would go to Hogwarts.

"Have you heard from Hermione Granger recently, Minerva?" asked Madam Pomfrey.

The two women sat in the staff room, seeking some company against the pervading quiet of the halls. Most of the professors--even those who didn't live at Hogwarts year round--were staying this summer, so as to be prepared if Voldemort made another move. It was only a matter of time, after all. And there was comfort in waiting for it together.

"Why, didn't I tell you? She's going to pay us a visit after the end of her summer term," Minerva smiled.

Poppy was thrilled. "Oh, good! Will she be staying long?"

McGonagall nodded. "She'll be staying a week."

Poppy smiled. "Oh, it'll be good to see her. Of all the students who left us that year, she's the only one who's managed to stay in touch. And she always was such a lovely girl."

Minerva gave her a look. "You didn't think so when she wound up in the hospital wing with cat fur on her face, Poppy." Both of them laughed at the memory.

"It's a shame that Professors Lupin and Vector won't be here then, what with their work taking them to London; she was a favorite with both of them, I know," Pomfrey added. She paused, thinking of another professor who favored Hermione, and asked, "Have you seen Professor Snape today? He said he would try to stop by and go over some of the stores with me. I want to be ready, in case…" The old nurse stopped.

McGonagall answered, "Of course, Poppy. I'm sure you'll be more than ready, if ever there is need. And no, I haven't seen Severus today. He must be working on something. Not that anybody's seen much of him this summer. He seems…well, withdrawn. Of course, some would ask how I tell the difference, but…"

"I know what you mean," nodded Madam Pomfrey. "Severus was never the most friendly man, but it's as if he never comes out of that dungeon nowadays. Frankly, I've started to worry. And I never thought I'd see the day where I'd have to worry about him. He's a good man, Minerva, though some people wouldn't believe it. He deserves better than he's had over the years."

McGonagall nodded her agreement, and the two women sat in silence, sipping their tea.

Hermione stood in the hallway outside the Potions classroom. She had been at Hogwarts since the previous afternoon, but Professor Snape had not come to dinner, or breakfast, or made any sign that he even knew that she was there. Professor McGonagall--Minerva--had told her that he rarely left his dungeons these days.

She took a deep breath and knocked.

Silence. Then a cold, hard voice, irritated: "Come in."

Hermione opened the door, willing herself not to be afraid. Maybe he didn't know she was there, after all. As she entered, meeting his gaze from across the room, the familiarity of the dungeon classroom struck her as nothing else in the castle had. She could see, without taking her eyes away from his, that nothing had changed.

"Ah, Miss Granger," he said, the expression on his face shifting slightly, "welcome back to Hogwarts. I trust you find everything is as you left it?" He did not smile.

Hermione felt the flicker of anger at the back of her mind, but chided herself for expecting a warm greeting from Snape. He had been her teacher, not her friend. But as he turned back to his cauldron, she had to swallow down her disappointment.

He stirred for a moment, then looked up again. "Would you like some tea? I believe this potion will be all right for a while on its own for a while." She nodded, and he gestured to the door that connected the classroom to his office. It was open, since there were no students around to intrude, and she entered ahead of him and took her usual seat.

Realizing that she hadn't actually said anything yet, she spoke. "It's good to see you, Professor. I'm glad you are well. I had heard…"

A wave of his hand cut her off. "I assure you, Miss Granger, there is no need to waste your time worrying about me."

Another flash of anger. She chose instead to say, "Yes, well, with everything that's going on, I tend to worry about everyone…" she paused, stopped herself from finishing the sentence as it had formed in her mind ("…that I care about"), "I know."

He glanced sharply at her as he put the kettle on the fire. "Yes, I can imagine that losing one of your classmates would leave you concerned indeed."

Taking his seat, he changed the subject. "I see from your last letter that you've been making good progress with your work. Has there been no further word from the journal?"

"No. I thought I might write Mr. Rochester at the end of the year to see if he's made a decision, if I haven't heard by then."

Snape nodded, "Certainly. Let me know if I can be of use to you on that front. Rochester is not the most reliable correspondent. And I meant to ask, did you read…"

Suddenly, the anger that had been threatening to surface since she had arrived at Hogwarts swept over her. The others had at least shared with her their concern, their sympathy over Seamus's death. They hadn't told her to get back to work so as not to feel anything. They had told her what they could of their own work, told her something of their own lives, their own fears.

But Snape…Snape was as unfeeling as ever. Heartless.

She felt the tears burning in her eyes--tears of anger, of grief, of worry. She stood up, suddenly, no longer seeing the room around her, but seeing Seamus lying on a London street corner…Harry's lifeless body…Snape…

"How can you sit there and offer me tea like nothing has happened?" she raged. "How dare you brush away my concern as something…some sort of…annoyance, and then pat me on the head and ask me about my work? Is that all that matters to you? Whether or not some blasted article gets published? That my work is going well, regardless of the fact that Seamus Finnigan is dead? And my best friend could be next? You…could be next?"

Her tears overwhelmed her, and she ran out into the classroom. As she crossed to the outer door, she heard his voice behind her--soft, gentle, like spun satin… "Miss Granger…" he began. She stopped, but could not look at him.

"I am…sorry…that I upset you. I had no idea that you were…. I am so used to turning to work as a way to block out my own…emotions…that I find I cannot speak of anything else these days. Of course your feelings are more important than your work. And while it should not have surprised me that you have been concerned for my well being, I…am not used to having people tell me that they are worried about me. It is easier, perhaps, not to think of it as a possibility."

She stood in silence, shaking with quiet sobs, clutching her arms around herself, still not turning towards him.

"Thank you," he said, "for worrying about me." A pause. "Miss Granger…Hermione…are you all right?"

At the sound of her name, she felt her knees give way. But he was there, his hands under her elbows, lowering her, kneeling on the floor behind her. Her head fell back onto his shoulder, she leaned against his chest, and his cheek touched hers as her tears now ran freely. She choked out her sobs as he whispered in her ear, "Shh. It will be all right. We will make sure of it. Hush now."

Ten minutes later, she was again seated in his office, a cup of hot tea in her hand, his handkerchief in her lap. She found it odd that she was not embarrassed. Actually, she felt better than she had in ages.

They were sitting in silence. Finally, she looked up at him, a little shyly, and said, "Thank you. I didn't mean to take everything out on you. I didn't realize that coming here would bring it all back so badly."

His eyes were kind. "I suspect," he said, and now the teacherly tone didn't grate on her at all, "that it never went away to begin with." She nodded as he continued. "The trouble with using work to block out your emotions is that it can't make them go away. Work can only delay the impact; it cannot hope to heal the wound." He looked back to the fire, and she wondered how long he had delayed the pain he kept at bay, how deep his wounds were.

She did not ask. Instead, she said, a knowing smile crossing her lips, "Professor, I meant to ask you in my last letter, but I forgot--what did you think of Mark Herring's article in the last number of Ars Alchemica?"

Snape's eyes momentarily narrowed as he met her gaze, and then the corner of his mouth twitched. "Miss Granger, I suspect you know my answer already. Mark Herring is an idiot."

Hermione had to repress the smile on her lips as she and Snape entered the Great Hall for dinner that evening. She knew from Minerva that some of his colleagues hadn't seen him for weeks, that he took his meals alone in his dungeon. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he welcomed them. "Ah, there they are. We were about to start without you. Please, Miss Granger, take a seat next to me."

As they crossed to the other side of the table, Hermione heard Madam Pomfrey whisper to Minerva McGonagall, "You should have invited her sooner, Minerva. Who knew that she was just what we needed to get Snape to the dinner table?"

Hermione was certain that Snape had heard too, even before she noticed him raise his eyebrow.

A/N: The scene in which Snape supports Hermione as her knees give way comes, actually, by way of General Hospital, in a scene were Sonny Corinthos steps forward to support Elizabeth Webber as she collapses with the realization that her boyfriend, Lucky Spencer, has died in a burning building. I believe that the scene aired at the beginning of 1999.

On to Chapter 6